Another Summer Gone By

Summer is officially over; but, DANG, did we make it count!

2 Vegas trips, Arizona, Hawaii, and 2 California Trips.

I recently read StrengthsFinder 2.0 and took the personality test. One of my strengths was Futuristic. No, that does not mean that I'm inventive, high tech, and from the future. It means that I've always lived for the future. Setting goals and dreaming of the future was where I found my drive. I have a constant need to feel that I am progressing forward.

I've been thinking a lot about where we where last fall compared to this year. To some, it may seem that not much has changed. It's still just Chanel and Me, I still work at the same company, Chanel is still in school and works at the same place.

Chanel got a truck and we moved apartments, but other than that, our day to day life is roughly the same. Yet, so much has happened since last fall.


We are not the same people; we've grown. Not just in our personal development, but spiritually as well. And the best part? We've grown together.

Our marriage is stronger as we've figured out how we compliment each other, what each of our strengths are, and how to work as a team.

Our dreams are becoming more consolidated. Chanel is learning more each day of what he would like to do once he's in the Air Force. I recently took a promotion as the newest addition to the company's training team and I've learned that I love presenting in front of people and teaching others. Once Chanel is done with school, I've decided I want to work on my teaching licence.

Our love for God and his gospel has been more affirmed. Our hope and faith has grown more in harmony as we've lived through some tough times and have shared with each other our thoughts and essentially our testimonies. We are both working towards the same goal: an eternal family.

And that starts now; not once we have children.

It starts by committing ourselves to be strong against the world's temptations, flashing distractions, and our own laziness. It means saying our prayers, going to church each Sunday, and living the gospel every day so that one day we may share the goodness and the happiness that it brings with our children.

Life is not perfect. It is not easy.

I fear for the future and those who will have to live amidst a society whose morals are plummeting and whose respect for another's life is deteriorating.


My only hope stems from my faith in God's plan. He has taught us how to live "after the manner of happiness". This is what brings me peace.


I am blessed to have Chanel by my side for this journey and for all eternity.

P.S. Also, I'm now 22!;)

Families are Forever

It's taken me a while to write this post. I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks and it has taken me some time to sort through all my emotions and thoughts. 

At first I was so overcome by grief and shock. How could I not be pregnant anymore? Just like that; from one moment to the other all I hoped for, everything that I had been dreaming about and preparing for- Gone...emptied out into a bucket and taken.

Then guilt hit. Maybe I wasn't worthy to be a mom. Maybe it was my fault. I should've done this or that.

Maybe God didn't trust me. Maybe God didn't love me.

Anger settled in and it stayed for a while raising doubt and causing turmoil.

I stopped reading my scriptures, praying, even going to church. I'd find a reason, a distraction, to not turn to God.

I wanted to know why? It wasn't fair.

I went on with my daily life hiding the rage inside me.

Why? Why? Why?

I never fully got my answer.

I realized that I didn't want to keep living like that- angry and confused.

"Don't dig up in doubt what you have planted in faith."

I had once trusted God, studied and knew that he loves his children and has a plan for each of us. 

I started doing the small things again: reading, going to church, and then praying.

I still don't know all the answers, but I trust my God. I don't know everything, but he does. 

Perhaps my faith was being tried as Job's was. Perhaps I still need to prepare more before being a mother or perhaps that spirit needs to prepare more before coming down to earth.

All I know that God is a just God and all will be well in eternity.

Life Changes

Lately there have been so many changes.  We moved to wymount terrace to start preparing for baby Rodriguez and it turns out we have to move church wards as well. 

My body is changing. Over the weekend we went shopping for maternity clothes because my jeans won't button up. Not only that but I have no control over my emotions. I have cried suddenly for Valerie, S'mores, and stinky feet. 

Our financial situation has changed with finding out my moms insurance won't cover me and unexpected medical bills.

And so many more changes are yet to come.

Ive never been much for change. Chanel grew up with constant change because of his dad being in the navy but my parents always lived and will continue to live in the same house I grew up in.

So as always I'm the one who is constantly worrying. But something he told me the other day  really got me thinking how grateful I should be for the changes in life. He was reflecting on how good it feels that were not in the same spot we were a year or even two years ago. That we've grown, moved forward, that we are living life. 

Life requires change. Baby Rodriguez is proof of that. I love reading every week how many changes have happened as our growing baby develops. 

I am so grateful for all the changes in life; they help you become who you need to be. 

Little Bitty Dream

The first day of my last period was January 28th. At the time I didn't know it was going to be my last period for a while-9 months to be exact.

I went on planning my life in oblivion. Ever since the false call in December, I knew that I wanted a baby, but I was coming to terms with the fact that we just couldn't at the time. So I was putting aside my little bitty dream and focusing on getting my life together. I finally made an appointment to see a rheumatologist after a year of being in pain and started the treatment. I cried knowing that it meant that we for sure not going to have children for a while. I took it for about the first two weeks of February and then I stopped. Perhaps it was out of laziness, perhaps it was out of fear of a really strong medication.

I interviewed and was offered a promotion at my job.

I also interviewed and was offered a position as a Spanish 4th grade teacher.

My period was late, but this had happened before. So, instead of getting my hopes up like so many times before I decided to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that I was not, could not be pregnant.

Except the test came out positive. Both of them.

I convinced myself the first test was wrong. The second line was so faint.

I went and bought a digital test that would just read "yes" or "no".

I peed. I set the test down. Washed and dried my hands and waited for the no to appear.
Then I looked down at the stick and saw a "yes".


I was very surprised and I don't remember much of my thought process(I'm sure I was crying). I do remember that I as soon as it sinked in that it did indeed say yes, I went straight to my bedroom and knelt down by my bed(which was a feat b/c of my painful arthritic knees). I prayed and gave thanks to God and prayed that he would take care of us.

I was so happy that day. Not a thought crossed my head of worry. Just pure joy. I bought a baby blanket and put it together with the pregnancy tests and a note that said "you're going to be a Dad" and waited for Chanel to get home.

I wanted so bad just to text him and tell him.

The day went on in a blur telling everyone the good news.

And then worry started to set in.

What effects would the medication I had taken early February have on my unborn baby.

One night as I  relayed all my thoughts to Chanel, He comforted me saying he did not care if I gave birth to a t-rex we would love still the same. He tried telling me that even if I had a miscarriage, life would still go on and we would have many children.

I don't think he fully understands.
I don't care if we go on to have other children, I want this one. I want it with all my heart. I want it more than anything else. And I'm terrified every time I go to the bathroom that it will be the day I see blood. I'm scared that it could be my fault if it is not healthy, if something goes wrong.

For now all I can do is fight for it with all my might. Send positive thoughts. Be healthy. Change my plans to prepare for it and wait and see if he/she decides to come.

Hello 2015!!!

There was no music, or dancing, or fireworks- and Unfortunately there was a bit of drama.

But at least we had family and friends and good food and that's a blessing many wish for.

This year, I want to focus more on gratitude and courage.

Gratitude for everything we have, who we are, and the people in our lives.
My life has been very blessed and I feel that a lot of times we only see what we are missing and forget to look around at how much we have been given.

Courage to be better; to never stop improving; to get up, keep trying, and work for our goals. Everyone always tells me that I am shy. I am...and that's fine. But I can't let it stop me; I can't let it overflow into insecurity.

I'm sad to see 2014 go. I graduated, got endowed, got my licence, got married, and got a good job. I've learned so much this year, but there's only up to go.
These year I'm not setting exact goals. I just want to be a healthier, happier, better me.

Happy Holidays

 Well, first of all, I must tell of the almost surprise gift we thought we were going to give our families for Christmas I was 5 days late...5 days! 5 days of waiting and worry and maybe just a little bit of hope. Two negative pregnancy tests and a late period later, we laughed it off. But something changed in those five days. Most of my stress came from worrying about Chanel. Not that I thought he would react badly but more the stress that it would cause him. He's already has a lot on his plate with school, work, and ROTC. The last thing he needs is a baby on top of it all. And the most stressful thought...How will we manage? I mean financially we're doing fine right now, but if i had to quite working everything would fall on him. Guilt and stress were swallowing me with everyday that passed and every time I had to answer "No" to Chanel asking if I had started. 

So I decided to take a test. The first time I didn't tell Chanel. Why tell him anything if there wasn't anything to tell? I nervously went to the store by myself bought the least sketchy looking test walmart had, rushed home and peed on the stick. 

Could I be pregnant? What if I was? What if I wasn't? 

One Minute...

What if I am? What if there is a little human being growing inside me? Me holding a soft warm baby...Would it be a girl or boy? Chanel playing with a little girl... Would they have Chanel's eyes? 

Two Minutes...

-Negative-

Disappointment came crashing from nowhere and unexpected tears welled up.

I let the waves hit for a couple minutes then cleaned up and threw everything away.

At least now I knew not to hope for it.

Later that evening Chanel asked if I had started. My "No" was different this time. It wasn't a nervous answer but more of a annoying agitation. 

His eyes lit up questioningly and realizing that he was probably just as nervous as I had been I decided to put him out of misery and tell him that I had taken a test and I wasn't pregnant.

Everything was fine except I still hadn't started. 

One night while I continued to stress that maybe the result was wrong or worse that I had cancer or something, Chanel and I finally talked about the "what if".

He encouraged me to go to the doctor but I wanted to wait to spare me the the embarrassment of going to the doctor for nothing. 

And in the case we were expecting a Jr, "It would be a blessing," he said happily and made me repeat it after him. It would be a blessing, but how would we make it?

He then presented a plan to start saving for when I would have to be on maternity leave. We would figure it out was the point.

Everything changed after that. Chanel was certain that I was pregnant, but I wasn't scared anymore. 

My period was still M.I.A. so we googled the best prego test and went to CVS together. Channel made me pee as soon as we got home. I told myself I wasn't going to get over excited this time and have the same reaction. Instead of waiting in the bathroom and staring at fate, I kept the time on the kitchen stove.

-Negative-

All the mental preparing did me no good. I told Chanel I was going to bed. It was 8:30 at the latest. Pregnancy tests are cruel.

We're not planning or trying to have a baby right now, but this experience helped understand that things are a lot easier when me and channel are in it together. "We're a team" as Chanel says. And when the time does come I know our child will be very loved.

 So for Christmas...

I was crippled for the most part, but every cookie, chocolate, pizza slice, ect was worth it! Christmas this year was different in a good way. It was my first Christmas without my family in California but it was also my first Christmas with my family in Arizona. I learned a lot more about Chanel as kid, saw some awesome pictures, discovered some new Porto Rico Food, and all around had a lot of fun.

It's such an exciting feeling to know that we can merge two different cultures and families. We continue traditions from both our sides of the family and start our own new ones. Our children are going to be so lucky to have some awesome relatives. 

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Luz de las naciones!

Christmas lights are up, Christmas tree that looks like a bush is out of the storage and it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

First Christmas together!

Thanksgiving surprises...

Back in October Chanel and I had decided that on December first we would do Rock, Paper, Scissors  to decide whose family we would go with for Christmas. But, he had gone to visit my family various times while we were engaged and I, on the other hand, had met his mom for the first time on the day of my graduation and had spent some time with them for those two days and then hadn't seen them again until the wedding when I was at his house for about 10 seconds before the chaos of the wedding schedule began. Not only that but Kevin was going to leave in the coming year for boot camp.

So,  I decided that for this year we needed to spend it with his family and for Thanksgiving we were planning to stay in Utah. I was looking forward to having our first Holiday as a newly weds and being in charge of my own turkey and doing our thing and having a little Thanksgiving get together with Dennis and Meg.

Early in the week my Dad called Chanel pretty much begging him to make the drive and come down or Thanksgiving. Chanel explained that we couldn't. We had work on Wednesday and Saturday and only had two days free. If we went we would have to take his car because it is brand new and has gap insurance where as my car is older and was a higher risk of leaving us stranded. However, his car is stick and since I can't drive stick he would have to make the 12-14 hour drive there and back by himself. My Dad pleaded some more but Chanel knew it was too dangerous and risky.

After the phone call, however, the idea popped in his head that maybe we wouldn't be able to drive down but we hadn't explored the possibility of flying. He checked the flights knowing it would be a long shot since it was the holidays, but miraculously the flights looked really good.

We didn't decide we were actually going until Tuesday night. I was reluctant to drop my Thanksgiving visions of spending the first holiday as a couple doing our own thing. But since I wan't going to be spending Christmas with them I figured I should go since I didn't know when the net opportunity would come up to see them.

Chanel got a free standby from his mom and a buddy pass for me.

Wednesday morning Chanel and I left work early and drove to the airport.

Our flight had a connection in Seattle. Around 6:00pm While we were waiting to board the plane to Fresno. My dad called me. He was still hopeful that we would be driving down. Indifferently I told him we were at the movies and that I would call him after. His voice choked up and asked, "so you're really not coming?" more as a last hopeful plead as it sunk in that we were not on our way.
I mustered all my strength to keep my cool. "No, sorry dad, we couldn't make it happen. I'm going to stay and have Thanksgiving with Dennis." "You're mom's been crying" he said and I could tell he was struggling to figure out how he would tell her the news. "Sorry, I really am, but can I call your later?"
"Ok. Call us after the movie."

It was cruel. I know. But I didn't want to spoil the surprise.

When we landed in Fresno, Valerie and David were there to pick us up. I had them park across the street and a house down and then Chanel and I sneaked up to the house and rang the door bell. Carmelo answered. "Hey!..." I put my finger to my lips shushing him. He smiled and let us in. I walked to the family room where my Mom and Dad were sitting with their backs to me watching what I assume was a novela.

I nudged my Mom's arm.

"Dianita!!!" She screamed after a loong gasp and moment of shock. Tears rolled down her face as she hugged me. My dad stood up alarmed, saw me and Chanel and was in shock for a couple minutes.

"It can't be, no, it can't be" he kept saying too shocked to believe we were really there, Home for Thanksgiving.

We got there Wednesday night and had to leave Friday morning, but it was worth it.

My mom's stuffing is the best and we left with stomachs full and crazy blackfriday stories to tell.

Chanel had his life threatened one moment and the next was hugged and kissed by a complete stranger.

We went to Walmart to keep Daniel company while he waited in line for a tv that was going to go on sale.

We showed up and cut in line where Daniel was. Daniel had already made friends with everyone around him. And when we showed up the lady in front greeted us with a friendly smile asking if I was his sister.

A little bit later, the walmart employees came to tell us that we needed to keep a straight line and be grouped by household because they couldn't tell who was with who and how many tvs they needed to count.

Suddenly this guy towards the back starts shouting, Points at Chanel and says "that guy has been cutting and blah blah blah...

Chanel smiles and calmly tells him that we are not even buying a tv and that we are just here with Daniel.

For some reason Chanel smiling seemed to anger him even more.
"Wipe that smirk off your face or I'll go over there and slap it off blah blah blah...

Then Daniel whose a security guard bellows out in a matter-of-fact way: "Um sir, that's illegal"


A fight is about to break out but, yes, Daniel indeed it is illegal. Would you like to tell us our rights as well?

The older lady that Daniel had made friends with in line had our backs and told the guy off and then the employees took care of him so no fight broke out but Chanel and I decided to leave the line anyway.

Who knew smiling on Thanksgiving could get you in so much trouble?

Chanel was upset after, disappointed in humanity that such behavior would be displayed on thanksgiving.

Bit a couple moments later as we were walking down an aisle a lady grabs Chanel to a halt and exclaims, "mijito! look how big you've gotten! it's been so long!" She huggs and kisses the life out of him and Chanel keeps smiling and hugs her back.



perplexed, i wondered who he knows that I didn't in my hometown.


As soon as she's behind us, I ask" do you know her?
no, do you?
no!

Chanel claimed she was sent by Heavenly Father to make up for the other person yelling at him

We'll never know who that lady was who restored Chanel's faith in humanity.

Overall it was great trip and its great to know that people miss you.

Sonora, Mexico

Last Friday, Chanel and I got up and started getting ready just like any other Friday morning, but... by then end of the day we found our selves sleeping in a car next to the Mexico Border. (By our own will).

We had a spontaneous moment (the kind that is rare these days) and decided to drive down to Phoenix, surprise his mom and drive down with them to Sonora, Mexico for his Aunt's huge birthday Party.

The party was big, the family was huge, the tacos were amazing, the pesos were plenty, and the trip was totally worth it.

I definitely bonded more with his family(i guess that's what happens when you're all stuck sleeping in the car) and it was so much fun stepping foot in Mexico after 14 years.

 

Who would've thought one year ago on Nov. 19th so many wonderful experiences would come to my life by me saying yes when Chanel asked me to be his Girlfriend. 

On another note, I am now working from home. Yay! My work uniform consist of fuzzy socks and a robe. I save on time and gas and I don't have to face the snowy months. 

November 7, 2014

We Bought a Keyboard! I love it...I feel like I've gained some part of me that was slipping away back. Now I just wish I had more time to play. I think Chanel uses it more than me.



And in case you can't tell from our makeshift costumes, we were ninja turtles for Halloween which was super fun and I'm so grateful for Dennis who gave us a reason to dress up instead of staying in with candy and a movie.

FALL IS HERE!

Summer went by way too quickly and I'm not looking forward to snow, but the good thing is that I still have a couple of weeks before the snow to enjoy one of my favorite seasons...FALL!

 Here's a couple reasons why I LOVE fall:

1. Scarves!  As my dear naive husband pointed out as soon as I took out the winter wardrobe..I have a lot of scarves...he is still learning

2.Pumpkin patches!!! Pumpkins that are too heavy to carry, pumpkins that fit in your palm, corn mazes with no rhyme or reason, that hay ride i wish we'd gone on but it was too late, mini haunted houses where you get scared by a little kid who pops out at you, petting zoos with a huge pig that Chanel refers to as bacon....

3. Food...soups (hello zupas), thanksgiving meals(who says that can only be in November?), pumpkin bread(even though I burned it watching the lego movie which I should have listened to Chanel and not have rented it in the first place b/c it was...well lets just say it wasn't the best movie I've picked)

Some may see Fall as a sad thing; The regret that summer passed in a fleeting moment and didn't care that you hadn't checked everything off your summer bucket list, the dread of the snow that's coming and knowing that it means slipping, scraping, and shoveling.

But you can't complain too much when you know it also means warm blankets, movies, and hot chocolate with your best friend

 

Its hard not to be in love with fall when the colorful leaves on the ground remind you of that crisp cold morning you held hands and went for a walk trying to find crunchy leaves to step on and the day he asked you to be his girlfriend 

....goodbye summer....

Doughnuts, Rolls, and... a Hair Cut?

We're falling into our schedules now. Chanel goes to school in the mornings and then has work. I blog, clean, and occasionally go to the gym in the mornings then go to work. Chanel works out and then does homework. I come home around 8:30pm And then we chill or do whatever we need to do before we go to bed at 10:30.

So nothing really exciting happens during the week. But on weekends, we have fun.

Two weekends ago we found out about crispy cream's Dress like a Pirate day where you get a free dozen doughnuts if you dress like a pirate. Thanks to Kayla, we managed to get outfits.
The place was EXTREMELY crowded and it was all fun and games... until I had an anxiety attack.

I'd NEVER had one before and I had no idea what was going on.
All of a sudden, I felt trapped, I couldn't breath, my fingers and hands went tingly and numb, and then just when I felt like I was gonna blackout... some lady grabs me and sits me down and tells me to put my head between my knees and breath.
The feeling passed and we still got our doughnuts, but thank Heavens for that lady!

A couple weekends ago we met Dennis' friends, Q and Rachel, during a game night we hosted.

They're cool, funny, and fit in right into our Hispanic humor.

Last weekend we were all invited over to learn how to make California Rolls by my talented Japanese Sister in Law, Meg.

They were delicious!!!

I've been thinking... I've lived her for about three going on four years now and it has not felt like home until now.

The difference is that I have family here now: My husband, brother, and sisters-in-law. I"m so grateful for them, more than they probably know.

Also, I came home from church this past Sunday and got the sudden urge to cut my hair...so I did. By myself. With Chanel's Scissors. Yup, that happened.