Hello 2015!!!

There was no music, or dancing, or fireworks- and Unfortunately there was a bit of drama.

But at least we had family and friends and good food and that's a blessing many wish for.

This year, I want to focus more on gratitude and courage.

Gratitude for everything we have, who we are, and the people in our lives.
My life has been very blessed and I feel that a lot of times we only see what we are missing and forget to look around at how much we have been given.

Courage to be better; to never stop improving; to get up, keep trying, and work for our goals. Everyone always tells me that I am shy. I am...and that's fine. But I can't let it stop me; I can't let it overflow into insecurity.

I'm sad to see 2014 go. I graduated, got endowed, got my licence, got married, and got a good job. I've learned so much this year, but there's only up to go.
These year I'm not setting exact goals. I just want to be a healthier, happier, better me.

Happy Holidays

 Well, first of all, I must tell of the almost surprise gift we thought we were going to give our families for Christmas I was 5 days late...5 days! 5 days of waiting and worry and maybe just a little bit of hope. Two negative pregnancy tests and a late period later, we laughed it off. But something changed in those five days. Most of my stress came from worrying about Chanel. Not that I thought he would react badly but more the stress that it would cause him. He's already has a lot on his plate with school, work, and ROTC. The last thing he needs is a baby on top of it all. And the most stressful thought...How will we manage? I mean financially we're doing fine right now, but if i had to quite working everything would fall on him. Guilt and stress were swallowing me with everyday that passed and every time I had to answer "No" to Chanel asking if I had started. 

So I decided to take a test. The first time I didn't tell Chanel. Why tell him anything if there wasn't anything to tell? I nervously went to the store by myself bought the least sketchy looking test walmart had, rushed home and peed on the stick. 

Could I be pregnant? What if I was? What if I wasn't? 

One Minute...

What if I am? What if there is a little human being growing inside me? Me holding a soft warm baby...Would it be a girl or boy? Chanel playing with a little girl... Would they have Chanel's eyes? 

Two Minutes...

-Negative-

Disappointment came crashing from nowhere and unexpected tears welled up.

I let the waves hit for a couple minutes then cleaned up and threw everything away.

At least now I knew not to hope for it.

Later that evening Chanel asked if I had started. My "No" was different this time. It wasn't a nervous answer but more of a annoying agitation. 

His eyes lit up questioningly and realizing that he was probably just as nervous as I had been I decided to put him out of misery and tell him that I had taken a test and I wasn't pregnant.

Everything was fine except I still hadn't started. 

One night while I continued to stress that maybe the result was wrong or worse that I had cancer or something, Chanel and I finally talked about the "what if".

He encouraged me to go to the doctor but I wanted to wait to spare me the the embarrassment of going to the doctor for nothing. 

And in the case we were expecting a Jr, "It would be a blessing," he said happily and made me repeat it after him. It would be a blessing, but how would we make it?

He then presented a plan to start saving for when I would have to be on maternity leave. We would figure it out was the point.

Everything changed after that. Chanel was certain that I was pregnant, but I wasn't scared anymore. 

My period was still M.I.A. so we googled the best prego test and went to CVS together. Channel made me pee as soon as we got home. I told myself I wasn't going to get over excited this time and have the same reaction. Instead of waiting in the bathroom and staring at fate, I kept the time on the kitchen stove.

-Negative-

All the mental preparing did me no good. I told Chanel I was going to bed. It was 8:30 at the latest. Pregnancy tests are cruel.

We're not planning or trying to have a baby right now, but this experience helped understand that things are a lot easier when me and channel are in it together. "We're a team" as Chanel says. And when the time does come I know our child will be very loved.

 So for Christmas...

I was crippled for the most part, but every cookie, chocolate, pizza slice, ect was worth it! Christmas this year was different in a good way. It was my first Christmas without my family in California but it was also my first Christmas with my family in Arizona. I learned a lot more about Chanel as kid, saw some awesome pictures, discovered some new Porto Rico Food, and all around had a lot of fun.

It's such an exciting feeling to know that we can merge two different cultures and families. We continue traditions from both our sides of the family and start our own new ones. Our children are going to be so lucky to have some awesome relatives. 

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Luz de las naciones!

Christmas lights are up, Christmas tree that looks like a bush is out of the storage and it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

First Christmas together!