At first I was so overcome by grief and shock. How could I not be pregnant anymore? Just like that; from one moment to the other all I hoped for, everything that I had been dreaming about and preparing for- Gone...emptied out into a bucket and taken.
Then guilt hit. Maybe I wasn't worthy to be a mom. Maybe it was my fault. I should've done this or that.
Maybe God didn't trust me. Maybe God didn't love me.
Anger settled in and it stayed for a while raising doubt and causing turmoil.
I stopped reading my scriptures, praying, even going to church. I'd find a reason, a distraction, to not turn to God.
I wanted to know why? It wasn't fair.
I went on with my daily life hiding the rage inside me.
Why? Why? Why?
I never fully got my answer.
I realized that I didn't want to keep living like that- angry and confused.
"Don't dig up in doubt what you have planted in faith."
I had once trusted God, studied and knew that he loves his children and has a plan for each of us.
I started doing the small things again: reading, going to church, and then praying.
I still don't know all the answers, but I trust my God. I don't know everything, but he does.
Perhaps my faith was being tried as Job's was. Perhaps I still need to prepare more before being a mother or perhaps that spirit needs to prepare more before coming down to earth.
All I know that God is a just God and all will be well in eternity.
