I went on planning my life in oblivion. Ever since the false call in December, I knew that I wanted a baby, but I was coming to terms with the fact that we just couldn't at the time. So I was putting aside my little bitty dream and focusing on getting my life together. I finally made an appointment to see a rheumatologist after a year of being in pain and started the treatment. I cried knowing that it meant that we for sure not going to have children for a while. I took it for about the first two weeks of February and then I stopped. Perhaps it was out of laziness, perhaps it was out of fear of a really strong medication.
I interviewed and was offered a promotion at my job.
I also interviewed and was offered a position as a Spanish 4th grade teacher.
My period was late, but this had happened before. So, instead of getting my hopes up like so many times before I decided to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that I was not, could not be pregnant.
Except the test came out positive. Both of them.
I convinced myself the first test was wrong. The second line was so faint.
I went and bought a digital test that would just read "yes" or "no".
I peed. I set the test down. Washed and dried my hands and waited for the no to appear.
Then I looked down at the stick and saw a "yes".
I was very surprised and I don't remember much of my thought process(I'm sure I was crying). I do remember that I as soon as it sinked in that it did indeed say yes, I went straight to my bedroom and knelt down by my bed(which was a feat b/c of my painful arthritic knees). I prayed and gave thanks to God and prayed that he would take care of us.
I was so happy that day. Not a thought crossed my head of worry. Just pure joy. I bought a baby blanket and put it together with the pregnancy tests and a note that said "you're going to be a Dad" and waited for Chanel to get home.
I wanted so bad just to text him and tell him.
The day went on in a blur telling everyone the good news.
And then worry started to set in.
What effects would the medication I had taken early February have on my unborn baby.
One night as I relayed all my thoughts to Chanel, He comforted me saying he did not care if I gave birth to a t-rex we would love still the same. He tried telling me that even if I had a miscarriage, life would still go on and we would have many children.
I don't think he fully understands.
I don't care if we go on to have other children, I want this one. I want it with all my heart. I want it more than anything else. And I'm terrified every time I go to the bathroom that it will be the day I see blood. I'm scared that it could be my fault if it is not healthy, if something goes wrong.
For now all I can do is fight for it with all my might. Send positive thoughts. Be healthy. Change my plans to prepare for it and wait and see if he/she decides to come.
